Dear North Carolina,

Nice, you’ve shown the amount of tolerance and maturity that one would come to expect from a state who had the smallest, per ca-pita contribution, (only 7,800 men) to the continental army during the revolutionary war. That’s right, we haven’t forgotten. And while we’re on the subject, what’s the deal with your name? There’s already another Carolina who, as of right now, is fine with the idea of two men expressing their love for one another through the bond of marriage. Oh wait. Never mind…sorry. But even so, here are a few other names that I have come up with for you. Feel free to pick one: Hitlerville, KKKentucky, Pretty-Much-Grass land, The Poor Mans Louisiana, Jerry. Jerry is my uncle’s name. Have you met my uncle Jerry? No? You guys would probably get along, he’s also scared of things that are different. Anyway, I’ve gotta get going. I hope you’ll give my name suggestions some thought! Screw you.

- Bryant Brown